kirei na sekai (beautiful world)
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Will Tomoyo really say to Sakura about how she really feels inside for her? (Note: shoujo-ai)


**Fandom: Card Captor Sakura  
Title: kirei na sekai. (beautiful world.)  
Pairing: Tomoyo + Sakura  
Rating: PG  
Description: Will Tomoyo really say to Sakura about how she really feels inside for her? (Note: shoujo-ai)**

**Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura belongs to Clamp.  
**

In stories told in one's childhood, there is always a straight path on where love and thoughts on life are and where they should go. If only real life were that easy, though.

But the authors of those stories are only able to tell these fairytales because in an ideal world, there's nothing to be sacrificed. There's only to gain.

Sadly, we don't live in a world like that.  
**  
kirei na sekai. (beautiful world.)  
By miyamoto yui  
**  
"Kami-sama, if we ever meet in another lifetime, this time, please let me be with her."

The teenage girl prayed as she quickly blinked her eyes so as to not let her companion catch a glimpse of her inner thoughts. She had long, black wavy hair with her hands folded on top of one another. She began to grab onto the handles of her bags with such tightness that her knuckles were turning white.

But, as usual, she wore the calm, friendly smile that she always had on her face. Her sleeveless blue top with the laces down the middle began to stick to her skin as she rocked back and forth even though she had one-inch clogs on. The heat was getting to her and her jeans were becoming tighter because she felt like she was melting.

But even through this uneasiness, she didn't really feel it.  
The only thing on her mind was that she couldn't help but stare at her best friend. It wasn't just a friendly glance, but a look in which she desperately couldn't let go of what was in front of her. Though she had learned to smile through everything, her eyes wouldn't deceive her. Staring at the light brown-haired girl was a habit that couldn't be broken.

The girl with the light brown hair wore a silver ring on her pinky which almost sparkled under the florescent lights. She was leaning down to look at the all the merchandise before her. Manga, pins, clothing, doujinshi…the dealer's room stretched on for miles. She couldn't help but grin at all the cute things before her; she couldn't help but think of her boyfriend, who had missed the anime convention due to a conflict of schedules.  
"Do you think Syaoran will like this?" Her wide, innocent eyes blinked as she turned around to show her best friend the model kit she held in her hands.

But the long-haired girl wasn't paying attention very much for the details of the model kit. She was trying her best to really focus her eyes on the person before her. It was very hard to just stand there with her hands over the handle of the bag she tightly held.

It never failed. Even though she should have been used to it after all these years, she really wasn't.  
There would always be that place deep in her heart where the sadness dwelt in its darkness, becoming darker and spreading to the other parts of her heart overtime. It was something she couldn't control at times, but she continued to grin at her companion. It was the least she could do.

Not out of politeness though. It was to keep it together.

No matter how tough and understanding someone was, there was something that could break them with just the simple blow from someone's sweet lips. For her, it happened to be her cousin: the pretty person before her named Sakura.

"I don't think Li-kun would like that," she answered with a skeptical look on her face. "Do you think he's really into building stuff?"  
The one named Sakura put her index finger to her lips and blinked her eyes, which were watching the ceiling above them. "Then maybe we could build it together. It'd be something different, don't you think, Tomoyo-chan?"  
Tomoyo nodded her head and smiled even wider, with a pain shooting through her heart once again. "That's a good idea, Sakura-chan."  
She finally unclenched one hand and gave the light-brown haired girl a thumbs up.

They continued to walk around the convention while buying more merchandise and taking pictures of themselves or of people in costumes. They were laughing at one another and Tomoyo was really enjoying this time with Sakura. After all, it had been a while since they had hung out. She was avoiding Sakura for a while by saying that she needed to focus on her extracurricular activities and study more for entrance exams. Sakura understood because she too had to go through similar circumstances. And she had to tutor Syaoran so that he'd concentrate more on school.

Tomoyo didn't want to interrupt that. She could only take so much.  
They were best friends and it wasn't that Sakura was inconsiderate about not spending time with her, but it was Tomoyo that was finally pushing herself away. If this had been when they were younger, she would have insisted to be by Sakura's side. It was the only way she knew how to breathe.

Sakura was her life. She was the beauty that made her life so full. It wasn't that she depended on her so much, but Sakura was someone she truly treasured and loved from the bottom of her heart. It was the kind of love that seemed so insistent with its care, but its passionate nature was as quiet as the bear that Sakura kept in her room. There were so many memories and feelings stuffed into that cute little bear, however, how much was contained couldn't ever have been quantified. Besides, it was never meant to be understood.

For at the comprehension of this truth would lead to the means of an "end".

Was Tomoyo ready to deal with that? She wasn't so sure.  
There was nothing wrong with this feeling, but it was killing her deeply inside. The same thing that had been so simultaneous with her kindness was starting to hurt her.

She had been too nice.

But who was she to fight against Sakura's feelings for Syaoran? And did she have any right to intervene when Syaoran actually said something about his?

No, there was nothing wrong with anything. She didn't do anything wrong. They didn't. This was all natural. There was just no room for her own feelings for Sakura. And she thought she was resigned to the fact.

Well, that was until they left the convention.

They were crossing through a park with the sun beginning its descent into the horizon. The wind was blowing around them and they were just updating one another about what they were doing such as what some teacher said during one cram session or what schools they were planning to apply for as well as what majors should they apply for. It was all fine until Tomoyo finally realized that Sakura didn't seem to depend on her as much. The same girl that tripped over cracks on the sidewalk and always invited her to her house was finally very independent. They both were.

It was very hard to accept that now Sakura was so far away from her. She was planning a life that wasn't "together" with her. It was a life that would touch hers once in a while, but they were going in separate ways. Sakura still needed time to figure out what her major was while Tomoyo wanted to do something with design and marketing.

At one point, Tomoyo calmly sighed, but she stopped walking. Sakura walked a few steps ahead of her and glanced back while saying, "What's wrong, Tomoyo-chan?"  
"Sakura?" Tomoyo's eyes looked deeply into Sakura's. Her tone was solemn, yet cautious. It was calm, but she looked anything but. "I know this is childish and selfish on my part, but…"  
"Yes?" Sakura fully turned around with her hands folded on top of one another, nervous at Tomoyo's sudden seriousness.  
"Sakura, do you need me? What have I ever done for you?"  
"Tomoyo-chan…" Sakura couldn't move. She didn't step forwards or backwards. Her eyes blinked, but she racked her brain on what to say because there were too many things going through it. She couldn't catch anything like colorful butterflies not wanting to be caught by a net that seemed to look so efficient in its use. Her words refused to come out.

Tomoyo's heart raced as she held onto the handle of her shopping bag. She never knew it would come to this. She never knew that she was this weak.

But most of all, she never wanted to put Sakura into this position.

Except, everything was passing through too fast and she couldn't stop anything with all her might, no matter how much she tried to prolong the inevitable. It wasn't that Sakura was supposed to be with her forever and she even said to herself that she'd enjoy Sakura while Sakura was "hers", but why couldn't she salvage anything?

Or was it that whatever Sakura had to give wasn't enough?  
She didn't want to seem needy. No, that wasn't the correct term for all of it.

Did she really have to let go of it?  
Before, she had been resolved to the fact that she couldn't keep Sakura and she was open to whatever affection Sakura gave her. But now, from the sadness and bittersweet feelings inside of her wanting to come forth from her heart, she knew that she tried to rationalize everything out in her head.  
She was trying to keep as much as she could, and still be the "best friend" that Sakura had.

Except playing this role and never being able to be more was exhausting. It had finally drained her.

She began to laugh and point at Sakura. "You thought I was serious? Oh, I was just teasing. Of course I know what you're trying to say to me, Sakura-chan."  
Sakura's eyes blinked once more and then she sighed in relief. She shook her head as she laughed, "Don't do that! I was thinking and thinking about what to say and you know I'm not really good at saying things from the top of my head. But I did think of something."

"What?" Tomoyo asked while picking up her numbed feet and walking towards Sakura with a smile on her face.  
"I can't be Sakura without you."

The wind blew harder and Tomoyo's eyes refused to cry at the happiness she felt at Sakura's response.

"Oh, I love you so much, Sakura-chan," she casually said as she patted her cheek gently while glancing at her companion's cute face, still walking at the same time.  
"I love you too, Tomoyo-chan."

When Sakura turned her head to watch the road before her and talked of other things, Tomoyo watched her with nothing really penetrating into her head, much less into her heart. It was building a wall to stop the hurt inside of her.  
Sakura would never understand how much she died each time with this love she declared so openly. The depth was unknown with the owner of this invisible ocean not wanting to find out how far down it went. It was better felt than known because she was already afraid by how much it was affecting her and wanting to burst out at any time.

She was just holding it back. Holding her breath all the way through this ocean.

The way she wanted to hold her,  
The way she wanted to touch her,  
The way she wanted to love her…

These were things that simply couldn't be done.  
**  
*/*/*/*/*/**

When Tomoyo woke up that morning, she had tears in her eyes, but she dismissed them immediately. She got up to go to the convention with Sakura.

Pushing the dream from her mind, she did the last touches to her hair and practiced her smile in front of the mirror. Then she left to go to Sakura's home.

And when she got there, she stopped to find Sakura at her windowsill, talking to her teddy bear. Tomoyo looked on for a bit longer. Her smile was a bit tarnished.

She couldn't just scream what she really felt inside, "I love you much more than that, Sakura!" She didn't want to frighten Sakura with the way she loved her. There were times when it scared her too at how far she would go to make Sakura happy.

But that was just it.

Was that what it meant to truly love someone? Was this what it meant to really grow up? After all these years, she finally reached some kind of answer for herself: You sacrifice something of your soul and kill a part of yourself to present as an offering towards the happiness of the person you love.  
And so…

She'd rather kill herself inside than make Sakura unhappy. And living without Sakura at all would destroy the beauty of this world.

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note: **I had this image in my head of Tomoyo actually trying to tell Sakura. I actually wanted Tomoyo to confront Sakura in _some_ way.

**June 24, 2004**


End file.
